It’s been a while I like to write this post. But I was not confident yet, but now, I can stand high and say: goodbye BED!
About a year ago, I was still frequenting “The White Bandage”, an association which helps people who suffer with eating disorder.
My eating disorder started from 10 years ago when I was in university , I was trying to lose weight and got obesessed. I avoid going home during the weekend then I could be alone at school and don’t have to eat. I got too skinny until my period stopped for over a year. My mum got worried and took me to the doctor. Slowly by slowly, under the help of medicine, I went to the normal weight.
During my five year in Paris, I was healthy and not a second I thought about my weight, I was happy then.
It didn’t last until I moved to Iceland in 2014. The isolation and lonliness somehow awakened the devil inside me. I become obsessed about food, about the weight again. It’s not until I dropped to only 35 kg that I was alerted. I looked myself into the mirror and the only thing I saw was a skinny child, not a charming woman at all.
The worst thing about BED is the self-deficient after each binge. I will feel completely a loser and idiot. Why did I do this to myself? It’s the last time i swear. I’m not going to eat anything for the next day. I have to stop this !
I am lucky.
I have a husband with whom we talk about everything. We trust each other completely. There’s no secret or taboo between us. So he noticed my eating disorder. I start going to “The White Bandage”. She’s a lady of my mum’s age, with very gentle voice and tender eyes. When she looks at you, it’s full of compassion and love. She’s an art therapist . With each section , I draw a picture, whatever was on my mind.
After stop seeing her (since my weight went back to normal and so does my period), I still had couple of times “crime”. But I didn’t feel guilty anymore.
Today, I’m pregnant which was the least thing I expect of myself. It’s a truly gift. I see it as a transform. I know this devil root will always be there, but I’m not afraid anymore because I choose not to. I choose to be healthy, joyful and graceful.
So that’s what I do if I feel a sign of craving:
- I listen to some soft music or music that emotional attached
- I go for a walk
- I avoid eating alone
- I avoid being too hungry
- I make myself a cup of warm chai tea with milk and sugar
- Call a friend or my mum
This is my story. I do hope it could help those who’re suffering from eating disorder.